DAVEL
Registered: 07/21/06
Posts: 160
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Reply with quote | #31 |
The Pakistan Cricket Board have announced that their new coach will be Gladston Small, in a press release they said " lets see them try and strangle this one ".
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland .
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
“Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
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Brian28
Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 723
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Reply with quote | #32 |
Dave,
A priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the
>coop behind the church.
>
>One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and
>discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in
>the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church.
>
>During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All
>the men stood up.
>
>"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the
>women stood up.
>
>"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that
>doesn't belong to them?"
>
>Half the women stood up!
>
>"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
>anybody seen MY cock?"
>
>Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
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ianuk
Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 340
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DAVEL
Registered: 07/21/06
Posts: 160
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Reply with quote | #34 |
> "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home in
> Glasgow....there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there
> goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he
> will buy the 5th drink for you."
>
> "Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
> will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
>
> "Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
> Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
> drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
>
> Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that
> you get laid. All on the house!!!"
>
> The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But
> he swears every word is true.
>
> "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"
>
> "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman
>
> "But it did happen to me sister."
>
> ***************************************
>
> Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
> despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
>
> Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
> said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
> Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
>
> So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to
> bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says,
> "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can
> have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand
> and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says
> "Okay".
>
> He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
> before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
> shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
> "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
> hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
> mind blowing.
>
> Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
> asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
> the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
>
> Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
> scouser, she shtole ma wallet !".
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Brian28
Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 723
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Reply with quote | #35 |
Dave,
Once again you hit the spot methaphorically speaking of course. Hows you Dad?
Brian.
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hank
Registered: 01/02/07
Posts: 1,212
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Reply with quote | #36 |
its not for me to say carl, being a gentleman and all, but what have i just flown over mate (plenty of it and sharks do the deed in it), obviousley this is only from imagination , others are more qaulifyed. TALKING IN RIDDLES ONCE AGAIN , HANK |
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neo
Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 53
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Reply with quote | #37 |
very good classifications..well done for finding them. its cleared one or two problems out that i was having........funny though.. the boys dont need different 'cup' sizes.....i wonder why......maybe 4", 6", 10" etc.....all acutally measure the same in real life!!!!! lol
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hank
Registered: 01/02/07
Posts: 1,212
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Reply with quote | #38 |
i,ld put my hands up 10 for both but i,ve showered with to many of you and ended up naked in front of to many cheer leaders for me to get away with it so i,ll plum for my i,q, below average but willing. hank |
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Brian28
Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 723
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Reply with quote | #39 |
Check these out that the wife sent me.
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t. Instead use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been sh4gged.
Brian.
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ianuk
Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 340
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Reply with quote | #40 |
Brian, very good
Have posted this before but I think it is funny!
Also some more!!!
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Ian 2009 |
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Fletch
Registered: 06/06/06
Posts: 860
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Reply with quote | #41 |
If you don't like kids you will like these.................can you spot the one of Hank when he was a baby????????
Fletch
Couldn't find anything in the freezer so we will have to eat the kid"!!!
I will start on the pints but will have the Jack Daniels later!!!!
Kids I ate them but I couldn't eat a full one!!!
Wow its amazing how a little piece of fabric can make my button feel funny!!!
Me n kids are of to Asda for me ciggies!!! know feck off the lot of ya!!!!
Hope you liked my interpretations of the pictures????
Fletch
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Brian28
Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 723
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Reply with quote | #42 |
Carl,
Do you know the classy bird in the last picture? Is it an ex and do you pay through the CSA.
Brian.
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ianuk
Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 340
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Brian28
Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 723
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Reply with quote | #44 |
Hi all,
Here is one the wife sent me - I think it has hidden meanings
A husband and wife went for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a
moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
It touched my funny bone - giggle giggle giggle
Brian.
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ianuk
Registered: 01/04/07
Posts: 340
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